


Tête pleine de mémoires

by neon_lights21



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Memories, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-18
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-12-14 17:57:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21019889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neon_lights21/pseuds/neon_lights21
Summary: It is often said that the world is small, that we’re all connected one way or another. If it weren’t true, then why would a stranger feel like home to Yangyang, who was having a panic attack on a flight to Germany?“Memory, I realize, can be an unreliable thing; often it is heavily coloured by the circumstances in which one remembers.”― Kazuo IshiguroWeishen fest #W264





	Tête pleine de mémoires

With each step he took towards the gate, the dread in his stomach grew. He turned around and saw his parents, who smiled at him with teary eyes. He waved and smiled back despite feeling like his stomach would pop out of his brain somehow. People walked around him at a brisk pace, sometimes even running and shouting. In the midst of all these movements, Yangyang felt like he was standing still, letting the world blur by. He took wobbly steps towards the check in area. His legs felt so unstable that he was actually surprised that he hadn’t collapsed in the middle of the airport.

Then he was suddenly in his plane seat, right next to the window of all places.

_ When did I even end up here? _

He looked down at his shoes, gripping the armrests with cold, sweaty hands so tightly that his knuckles turned white. 

_ Why did I choose Germany? Why? It’s not like Taiwan has no universities. I hope I don’t throw up on anyone. How many hours of flight was it again? Wait, I don't even want to know.  _

He was startled out of his reverie by a woman’s voice announcing that they would be taking off soon.

“Please fasten your seatbelts.”

Yangyang’s hands were shaking so much he couldn't follow the steps shown by the guy on the screen. How could he be so nonchalant about it?

Eventually, Yangyang managed to fasten his seat belt just as he felt the plane start moving. His head was getting heavier and he felt like his ears were filled with cotton, but he wasn’t sure wether it was a normal side effect of the rapidly changing altitude or his brain’s stupid reactions. As if someone had pushed him back, he plopped himself heavily on his seat and let out a long sigh. He shut his eyes tightly as he felt the plane go higher and higher in the sky. A weird shiver ran down his body. It wasn’t like the ones he got when he was cold. No, it was much more sinister. It felt like an endless cycle of missing a step and feeling his insides fall towards the ground. 

And then suddenly everything started moving, as if Yangyang’s bubble under the ocean had burst and now water was rushing in at a terrifying rate. On any other occasion, he would have locked himself in the bathroom, but he wasn’t allowed to get up during the damn take off. Even if he was allowed to, he wasn’t sure he would be coordinated enough to leave his seat. He swallowed down what was either a knot in his throat or vomit that was waiting to splash all over him. And breathing, why was it so hard to take a deep, satisfying breath? He closed his eyes, hoping to block out some of his fear, yet everything was spinning even in the darkness.

_ “What do you need the headphones for?” _

_ “I put them on so I don’t get dizzy during take off and landing.” _

He opened his eyes suddenly and leaned forward in his seat, clutching his head in his hands.

_ Oh my god not now not NOW _

“Hey, are you alright?” the man sitting next to him asked. 

He was young, probably a few years older than Yangyang himself. His deep brown eyes and gentle smile reminded Yangyang of something he couldn't quite place.

The man put a warm hand on his shoulder. Yangyang didn’t know why he felt like crying.

“I’m- I’m ok. Don’t worry.”

He tried to calmly sit back up, but a turbulence sent jolts of fear through his body and made his heart beat even faster. He let out a quite audible gasp and closed his eyes again.

“A bit nervous there, aren't you?” the man said with a small chuckle. 

Yangyang slowly nodded. 

“I used to be afraid of flying too, you know?”

“Yeah? This much?” Yagyang managed to croak out.

“Probably even more,” the man smiled. “What’s your name?”

“Yangyang.”

His chest hurt.

“Well, Yangyang how old are you?”

“I’m 18,” he answered, letting out a deep breath.

The man’s eyes grew comically wide. Yangyang rubbed his chest in an effort to make it easier to breath. And it wasn't working. If it weren't for some random guy taking to him he would have probably ripped his own heart out already just to make it stop beating so hard.

“But you’re so young! How come you’re travelling alone? And going to Germany and all?”

“I’m going to university over there.” He was aware that he was sweaty and out of breath. He probably looked like he had hopped on the plane after running a race.

“That’s so cool!”

“Wh-what about you?” 

“Me?” Yangyang thought he saw a hint of sadness on the man’s face. “Oh, I’m visiting my brother. He’s actually about your age. He’s studying biochemistry in Frankfurt.”

“He must be smart.”

That warranted a chuckle and an incredulous look from the man.

“ _ Smart _ ? Are you kidding me? He’s the dumbest person I’ve ever known in my whole life.”

“Why would you say that?” Yangyang laughed. “I bet he won't be happy if he hears about it.”

“Well, he won't. Besides, he already knows it. You know, when we were kids we tried to plant our ball in the garden. We were convinced that it would grow into a ball tree. And our dad actually helped us! I can't imagine how much he made fun of us in his head.”

Yangyang started laughing hysterically, like he always did when he was anxious. It was like all the negative energy ran through his veins and dripped down from his mouth.

“That’s not even a fraction of all the dumb things he, or shall I say,  _ we  _ did when we were kids!”

“Yeah?” Another turbulence made Yangang flinch. He urged himself to focus on the man beside him.

“Yeah,” he said, shaking his head. “Our neighbour used to have a dog and we both loved playing with it, especially my brother. He would feed her and play with her every day…”

_ Kun and Yangyang walked towards their neighbour’s porch. Usually, there would be someone to greet them, but that day the yard was empty except for fluffy form of a chocolate brown labrador puppy curled in herself under the shadow of a willow tree. Yangyang ran towards the dog, hands full of treats. _

_ “Dori!” he shouted. “Look what I brought for you again!” _

_ He stopped in his tracks when Dori didn’t budge from her position. _

_ “Kun?” he asked, voice full of fear. “Why isn’t she moving?” _ _   
_

_ “She must be sleeping. Let’s wake her up.” _

_ “No!” Yangyang shouted, making Kun jump. “Dogs don’t sleep! She’s dead! Dori is dead!” _

_ “She’s just sleeping you dummy,” Kun said, shaking his head. _

_ Then he saw tears pooling in Yangyang’s eyes as he dropped the treats on the ground. _

_ “But dogs don’t sleep!” _ _   
_

_ “Who said that?” _ _   
_

_ “I just know!” _

_ “She’s sleeping,” Kun said, stepping towards Dori. “Look, I’ll wait her up.” _ _   
_

_ “DON’T TOUCH HER, YOU’LL DIE TOO!” _

_ “What are you boys doing?” Mrs. Park, their neighbour appeared behind them. _

_ “Yangyang thinks Dori is dead and he won’t let me wake her up,” Kun said, pouting and crossing his arms. _

_ Mrs. Park walked towards Dori, trying to suppress her laughter. She nudged the puppy gently and she immediately lifted her head, sniffing the air around her. _

_ “See? She was just a bit tired so she was resting,” Mrs. Park said, smiling at the incredulous look on Yangyang’s face.  _

_ He grinned, running to hug Dori and feed her while petting her soft fur. _

_ That night, when they were in bed and their parents had just turned off the lights, Yangyang voiced the greatest doubt and revelation of his long life of three years and ten months and nine days. _

_ “So dogs sleep too?” he whispered in the dark. _ _   
_

_ Kun groaned across the room. _

_ “Of course they do. All animals sleep.” _ _   
_

_ Yangyang paused for a brief moment. Then, an imaginary light bulb appeared on top of his head. A great idea, one that could possibly change his entire world. “So I’m an animal too?” _ _   
_

_ “What?” _ _   
_

_ “I sleep so I must be an animal! I knew it! I’m a monkey! HEYEY!” Yangyang shouted before remembering that it was bedtime. But he still jumped on Kun’s bed, determined to show him his newfound identity as a monkey. _

_ “Moooom!” Kun cried for help. “Get him off of me!” _

* * *

_ “I caught the thief! HA! Now catch me if you can!” Yangyang let out a shrill scream when Kun poked him in the ribs and started tickling him.  _

_ He  _ hated  _ being tickled by no matter who it was. He tried to set himself free, for his own pride and honour and his space island’s reputation in the universe. He was a space police officer after all. Kun, however, was so much stronger than him and he couldn’t get out of his grip no matter how much he squirmed. In one last desperate effort, Yangyang pushed his fists against Kun’s stomach. _

_ And he was free. _

_ He jumped, fist piercing the air in victory. However, his dance of victory didn’t last long. In a split second, he saw Kun go down and hit his nose on the bedpost really hard.  _

_ Then blood started flowing down his nose. _

_ Something in Yangyang’s stomach twisted. _

_ “MOM! KUN’S NOSE IS BLEEDING! I KILLED HIM! MOM!” _

_ “I’m not dying you idiot!” _

_ Yangyang felt tears stinging his eyes. They fell freely when Mom entered the room. _

_ “Mom!” he wailed. “Kun is dying! I didn’t mean to kill him! I’m sorry!” _ _   
_

_ She looked like she was torn between laughing and giving a long, boring lecture, but she chose to hug Yangyang close instead, while also putting a random handkerchief against Kun’s nose. _

_ “Now, it’s just a nosebleed, nothing that can’t be fixed by us at home,” she said, caressing Yangyang’s hair. “Go get some ice to put on Kun’s nose. Go!” _ _   
_

_ Yangyang jumped out of his mother’s lap, ready to resume his duty as a special space agent. _

* * *

_ Yangyang winced every time the door creaked. He slid inside the house from the small crack in the door. Now he just had to close it again. And make it creak again. He made a mental note to bring some oil with himself the next time he decided to sneak out and come home at three o’clock in the morning. _

_ He took off his shoes and padded towards his room as quietly as he could, when a voice broke the silence that he had so desperately tried to preserve. _

_ “Now where the hell have you been young man?” Kun asked from where he was perched on the couch, sipping a hot jar of tea. _ _   
_

_ “Shut up. Mom and dad would disown you if I told them about all the times you sneaked out,” Yangyang whispered. “Why are you drinking tea out of a jar?” _ _   
_

_ Kun sighed dramatically. “I’m older. I have authority.” _ _   
_

_ So they were playing this game. “I’m younger, everyone loves me more,” Yangyang countered. “Even you.” _ _   
_

_ “True, but I will use this against you if you choose to betray me one day.” _

_ “I won’t, but why are you drinking tea out of a freaking jar?” _

_ Kun raised his eyebrows while staring square into Yangyang’s eyes and took another sip of his tea in a jar. _

* * *

_ There were flashes of a news channel showing a blurry picture of smoke rising from an airplane’s broken wing, alone between hundreds of trees, with just a half burnt backpack underneath it. _

_ Someone was screaming. _

_ “Kun!” _

_ A hand rolled down a red stained white sheet with trembling hands. _

_ Images of red and black and white flashed before his eyes. _

_ Placing a single flower on the ground. _

_ And an unbearable pain in his chest. _

* * *

Yanguang jerked forward and blinked, trying to get the confusing images out of his mind. The man beside him was looking at him with a strange expression.

“I’m sorry,” Yangyang said. “Did I fall asleep?”   


He smiled. “No, you didn’t.”   


“Oh? That was weird though,” he said before turning his head to face the man. “Wait, I never actually got your name.”

Yangyang saw the man hesitate for a second.

“My name’s Kun,” he said with a wide smile.

A strange feeling suddenly washed over him, drowning out the man’s voice. 

“That’s so weird,” he said in an almost inaudible whisper. His head was spinning. “The things you told me about, I’ve done all of that with my brother as well.” 

Then something clicked in his mind. His head shot up. That smile. How could he not have recognized it?

“K-Kun?” he couldn't believe his eyes. His brother was right there, sitting next to him in a plane. 

“Took you long enough to figure that out dummy,” Kun said, a gentle smile on his face.

Was it a good sign? Should he be happy that he could see and speak with his brother after so long? Or did it… or...

“Does this mean my plane is going to crash too?” Yangyang asked, eyes shining with unshed tears. 

Kun ran a hand through Yangyang’s hair. “No, no,” Kun whispered, smiling brightly at him. “Nothing’s going to happen to you. Not as long as I’m here.”

“B-but you’re dead,” Yangyang couldn't raise his voice above a whisper, afraid it would break. 

Kun smiled again.

Yangyang tried to take in all its details.

The crescent eyes.

The dimples.

The shiny teeth.

“Please don’t go.”

“I won’t,” Kun smiled again.

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

“I won’t. I’m right here.”

Kun placed a hand over Yangyang’s heart. His touch made him feel warm and safe. It felt like home. It  _ was _ home. Yangyang reached over to hug Kun.

A shrill sound.

Darkness.

Yangyang slowly opened his eyes. He looked over to his side. There was only a dozing middle aged couple sitting next to him. The kids in the isle next to his were still laughing loudly. Their mother looked at him apologetically and mouthed a heartfelt _sorry_.

He couldn't bring it in himself to react. He turned his head and just stared at the man sitting next to him with glassy eyes. It wasn't Kun. It would never be Kun. He wanted to reach out to the man and shake him, shout at him until he became Kun. But it would never happen. His brother was dead and he wasn't coming back.

Then it hit him that while he was busy thinking about his brother he hadn't even paid attention to the fact that he was flying on a damn  _ airplane _ several kilometres in the sky. A faint smile crept on his face. Kun had managed to distract him just by coming to him in his dream. It  _ was  _ Kun. He would never be convinced otherwise.

He busied himself with one of the magazines in front of him. His hands still shook a little bit and he still shuddered whenever he felt the smallest turbulence.

But he still felt warm where Kun had placed his hand.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Words can't describe how happy I am that I joined this fest and that I managed to finish my fic! I hope I didn't disappoint whoever submitted this prompt. This work is very short, but it was a fucking journey. So much happened in my life in the past few months and I used some parts of this fic to deal with my own problems. I also started writing more, so I edited the shit out of the earliest draft of this to reduce my need for perfection lol.  
A huge thank you to the mods who run this fest! You're the best!


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